


The Torgo Fic

by aardvark_french



Category: Manos: The Hands of Fate (1966)
Genre: Bad Jokes, Bad movies, Dead Dove: Do Not Eat, Don't Read This, Gen, In-Jokes, Sorry Not Sorry, What Was I Thinking?, justice for torgo, the bachelor - Freeform, this is a joke, torgie worgie
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-10-28
Updated: 2020-11-18
Packaged: 2021-03-09 05:41:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,494
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27239725
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aardvark_french/pseuds/aardvark_french
Summary: This is a joke, but Torgo really is the best character in Manos: The Hands Of Fate.Odd chapters by aardvark_french, even chapters by Horsantula.
Comments: 10
Kudos: 6





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [MenagerieOfDarkness](https://archiveofourown.org/users/MenagerieOfDarkness/gifts), [abearinahamtilonsuit](https://archiveofourown.org/users/abearinahamtilonsuit/gifts), [songs_for_sentences](https://archiveofourown.org/users/songs_for_sentences/gifts), [Everyone in Bad Movies Club](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=Everyone+in+Bad+Movies+Club).



Torgo was not having a good day. 

It had all started when Margaret had rejected him, somehow resisting the charms of his thick legs, glorious hat, and hand-shaped cane. How could she dismiss him like that? He had the best of intentions: all he wanted was an incredibly sexy wife to call his own. It didn’t seem like too much to ask. The Master had seven. Why couldn’t he have just one? 

In hindsight, maybe he shouldn’t have mentioned that to him. Of all people, Torgo should have known that the Master would not approve. 

“You have failed us, Torgo,” the Master had said in response to Torgo’s pleas for a wife. “For this, you must die.” 

And yet, Torgo prevailed. The Master should have known that light slaps and a burnt hand would never be enough to kill him. Torgo was stronger than that, and he wasn’t ready to say his famous last words quite yet. Besides, nobody could take the Master seriously when his outfit looked like a child’s butterfly costume. Even Torgo, his loyal servant, thought he looked absolutely ridiculous. 

With his wrist stump on fire, Torgo escaped into the night, never to see the Master and his wives again. At last, the greatest film character of all time was free from the cult of Manos. It was as if the hands of fate were finally on his side. 

Torgo ran through the mysterious and beautiful land of El Paso, Texas, his bulky legs carrying him through the night. He kept running, past rivers and ghost towns, past a couple making out for absolutely no reason at all, until the sun started to rise. As the morning sun hung over El Paso, Torgo stood at the crossroads, alone. 

As he looked up at the sky, Torgo wondered where he came from, where he was, where he was going. He’d lived with the Master for years. Without him, he had no significance, no identity. He had nothing but the clothes on his back and his long, flowing beard. He couldn’t live like this, all alone, forever. Even the Master’s cruelty was better than a life of eternal loneliness. He had to turn back. 

Torgo was about to head back to the house, back to the evil cult of Manos, when a strange figure approached him. He had greasy black hair, he was wearing sunglasses and a tuxedo, and Torgo thought he looked a bit like a vampire. Torgo adjusted his hat with his remaining hand, and he twitched slightly, waiting to see what would happen next. 

“Oh hai, Torgo,” the mysterious man said. 

“How do you know my name?” Torgo asked. 

“I am Tommy Wiseau,” the man said in an unidentifiable, vaguely European accent. “I’ve come to take you to your future wife.” 

Tommy hadn’t answered the question at all, but Torgo didn’t care. “My future wife?!” Torgo said, elated. He’d always wanted a wife of his own. 

“Yes, your future wife.”

“Really?” Torgo said, unable to believe his ears. 

“I swear on the holy book that is the Twilight saga that I am here to take you to your future wife,” Tommy said as he placed his hand over a young adult vampire romance novel. 

“Where is she?” Torgo asked.

“In another dimension,” Tommy said casually as he put down the book, took out a football, and tossed it to Torgo. “Let’s go meet her, huh?” 

“But there is no way out of here,” Torgo said as he caught the football and threw it back to Tommy.

“There is always a way.” 

There was a long silence as they continued to toss the football around, and then Torgo asked, “What’s my future wife like? She must be very beautiful.” 

“She definitely does not have breast cancer,” Tommy said. “And she is as beautiful as you.” 

Torgo took this to mean that his wife was drop-dead gorgeous. He couldn’t wait to meet her, but at the same time, he had unfinished business here. He had to take care of the place while the Master was away… 

Then again, the Master had tried to kill him. Torgo didn’t owe him anything anymore. He was free to pursue his dreams, to find his future wife. 

“I want to meet her,” Torgo said to Tommy. 

“Okay,” Tommy said. 

Torgo closed his eyes for a moment, and Tommy snapped his fingers. All of a sudden, the crossroads disappeared, and the two of them were transported into another world. 

When Torgo opened his eyes, he was in a small town, and there was a huge sign looming over it. “Nilbog,” he read. Nilbog seemed like a nice name for a town. Torgo promised himself that when he returned home with his future wife, he would rename his hometown “Tluc Suomagylop Gnippihsrow-nomed” in honor of this wondrous place. 

All of a sudden, a goblin that looked like it had walked straight out of the discount aisle of Party City jumped up and attacked Torgo and Tommy. 

“Tommy!” Torgo shouted. “Do something!” 

Tommy threw a wad of $1000 bills at the goblin, but to his surprise, that didn’t deter him at all. As the goblin stepped closer, Tommy then took out a spoon and whacked the goblin in the spleen. The goblin growled, but he continued to come closer as Tommy aimed for his glabella. 

Torgo couldn’t believe how pathetic this fight was, so our intrepid hero hoisted his cane into the air and whacked the goblin over the head with it. The goblin immediately tumbled to the ground, and the sweet feeling of victory coursed through Torgo’s veins. 

“Good, Torgo,” Tommy said. “Very good. Now we must find your future wife!” 

“But what if we get attacked again?” 

“I have my spoon.” 

“That didn’t work last time.” 

“You’ll see,” Tommy said, and that was that. The two of them continued walking through the town of Nilbog, and nobody thought to question why there was a human/vampire/whatever Tommy was and a satyr/human/whatever Torgo was wandering around the village. As far as they were concerned, this was just another ordinary day. 

“Anyways, how’s your sex life?” Tommy asked while Torgo took in his surroundings. Aside from the goblin that had just attacked them, the sound of popcorn popping in the distance, and the constant risk of the author getting bored and deciding to have our heroes encounter a band of ninjas, the town seemed perfectly normal, idyllic even. At last, it seemed like they were safe. 

That was when Torgo saw her. 

His future wife. 

Torgo barely had time to take in her features before the shock of meeting her at last overwhelmed him. He fainted, drowning in her endless beauty. 

She was perfect. 

THE END (Or is it?)


	2. Chapter 2

“Torgo? Are you okay?” someone asked. A man’s voice. Torgo’s eyes fluttered open and, instead of the sky, he found himself staring up at a ceiling. It was painted white with a popcorn texture. Rays of sunlight danced across it like flames upon Torgo’s severed hand. Someone was sitting next to Torgo, a middle-aged man with an unnaturally smooth face.

“Who are you?” Torgo gulped. “Where’s Tommy?”

He sat up and realized that he had been lying on the sofa of a hotel suite. A quite swanky one, too.

“I’m Chris Harrison,” the man said, his white teeth gleaming in the California sunlight. “And I’m going to help you find the perfect wife.”

“I thought Tommy did that already,” Torgo said, confused. “Where is he?”

From a short distance away, Torgo heard someone yell, “YOU ARE TEARING ME APART, LISA!” A potted plant sailed through the window and crashed into pieces against the wall, spraying dirt everywhere. Chris grimaced as some of the debris came to rest upon the sleeve of his suit jacket. He brushed it off and continued.

“Ah, yes, but this is just the beginning. For you have been selected as the next protagonist of the hit reality television series The Bachelor!”

Torgo blinked in confusion. “You mean...I don’t have a wife?”

“You soon will,” Chris Harrison said. “For you have more potential wives to choose from than Manos ever did.”

The power of choice bewildered Torgo. For so long, his only choice had been between eating cold gruel or sandy bugs for dinner. Now, he had his pick of thirty beautiful women, all of whom would be clamoring for his affection. A single tear trickled down his cheek.

“NO CRYING,” Chris ordered, “you’ll ruin your makeup!”

“My...makeup?” Torgo rolled the unfamiliar word around in his mouth. Manos had never allowed him to touch his eyeliner stash, even though he had drawers and drawers overflowing with the stuff.

“Look at yourself, Torgo.” Chris maneuvered Torgo off the couch and to a nearby mirror. In the polished glass Torgo saw a completely new man.

“Wow,” Torgo breathed.

His ratty old suit had been replaced with a crisp brown one that accentuated his chestnut-brown hair and blue eyes. Said hair and beard had been trimmed and combed until they were shiny and smooth as a slick of Nutella on a piece of toast. Foundation coated his face, which now glowed with a youthful radiance.  
He looked hot. Sexy, even.

But was it the real Torgo, staring back at him?

Not that the real Torgo wasn’t sexy. His thighs bulged attractively against the surface of his pants, and years of taking care of the place while the Master was away had given him some quite distinct _tablettes de chocolat_. Torgo supposed that it would take a little while to figure out who he really was inside.

“Are you ready to meet the women?” Chris asked, a hint of impatience straining his toothy smile.

Torgo took a deep breath. “I’m ready.”

A few minutes later, Torgo stood in the courtyard of a lavish resort, craning his neck to catch a glimpse of the woman whom he had seen earlier. Where could she have gone?

A queue of limos rolled up and then the woman stepped out. Torgo recognized her immediately. Her big blue eyes fixed on him immediately and then darted to the cobblestones. A blush spread across her cheeks, the same color as her bright pink ballgown.

Torgo cleared his throat. “Hello.”

“Hi,” the woman said in a demure voice.

“I’m Torgo.”

“Nice to meet you. I’m Peach. Princess Peach.”

Torgo gaped. Who gave a crap about Manos and his wives, a real princess was here to win his love! Yet to Torgo’s surprise, the limo doors kept opening and more beautiful women kept walking towards him.

“Hi, Torgo,” another woman greeted him. She looked vaguely familiar to Torgo, even though the only women he knew were Manos’ wives. When she tripped over the hem of her long khaki skirt and Torgo stuck out his right arm to catch her, he realized that her face was the one from the young adult vampire romance novel Tommy had shown him earlier.

“Oh, thank you, Torgo,” she giggled. “I’m just so clumsy sometimes. I’m Bella, by the way.”

“Guh…” Torgo squeaked, every single bit of his mental fortitude occupied trying not to pass out again. Thus, he was so focused on staying conscious that he wasn’t able to take in his surroundings until all thirty women were lined up in front of him.

“Torgo! TORGO!” Chris was hissing at him from the side of the courtyard.

Torgo jumped. “Yes, Master - I mean, Chris?”

“Tell the ladies about yourself! Why are you here seeking love? What is your ideal wife like?”

Torgo nodded frantically. He took a deep breath, his heart pounding hard in his chest. He’d thought of this long and hard, but he’d never gotten to say it.

“Manos had several wives while I never even had one. I yearned for someone to care for me, someone who wouldn’t chop my hand off and set it on fire. I’m tired of having to stand outside the house all day while travelers drive by and ask me for the way out. I don’t want to be second to the Master anymore. All I want is a quiet, comfortable life with the woman of my dreams.”

“Thank you, Torgo,” Chris said.

Torgo saw out of the corner of his eye Peach wiping a tear from her eye with a delicate hand. His heart surged with feeling - though he didn’t know exactly what it was quite yet. The rest of the women introduced themselves, but Torgo was so awestruck by Peach that he only paid attention to her.

When it was her turn to speak, Peach began, “I’m not exactly proud of my past. Mario and I were the poster couple for the Mushroom Kingdom, but eventually I couldn’t take it anymore. He was always gone saving the world, going on wild adventures, leaving me behind. So yes, my affair with Bowser made a splash in the tabloids, but what else was I supposed to do! When that relationship fell apart, I decided to start anew. So, Torgo” - she turned to him, her blue eyes sparkling - “I hope you’ll give me a chance.”

Torgo tried to smile, but his brain had turned to jelly. He barely heard Bella speak next, talking about how her love triangle had abruptly resolved when Jacob and Edward fell for each other, leaving her in the dust. Finally, when all of the women had introduced themselves, Chris spoke up again.

“Well, Torgo, it’s time for the first group date.”

“D-date?” Torgo sputtered.

“Yes. That is, usually, how people get to know each other and fall in love.”

Torgo was surprised. He hadn’t known there were so many steps to getting a wife. He thought he would just pick one up and be on his way. But if this was what it took, he would date with all his might.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This lovely chapter was written by Horsantula! Thank you, and all hail Torgo! :)


	3. Chapter 3

“So what are we doing for our first group date?” Peach asked Chris Harrison as Torgo stared longingly at the throng of beautiful women surrounding him. There were so many of them, more than the Master had ever had. He would never approve of this, but Torgo was free now, free to marry all of these gorgeous ladies. 

But apparently, he had to date them first. 

“We’re going to the beach!” Chris exclaimed, much to the delight of both the women and Torgo. “Let’s be honest though, it’s all just a ploy to get all of these good-looking women in bikinis,” Chris added with a knowing wink. “It’s good for ratings, you know.” 

“Ratings?” Torgo said. “What are ratings?” 

“Never mind,” Chris said. “Let’s get to the beach!” 

There was so much Torgo didn’t know, so much he’d never experienced when he was with the Master. He’d never even known what he was missing, but now that he was on _The Bachelor_ , he could explore all that the world had to offer. Maybe he’d even find love at last. 

When Torgo arrived at the beach, all of the women were waiting for him, looking radiant as sunlight sparkled on their skin. Princess Peach smiled and waved at Torgo as he stepped closer, barely able to breathe as he gazed upon these beautiful women. Meanwhile, Bella was thumbing through a copy of _Wuthering Heights_ , trying to look smarter than she actually was, while another woman Torgo didn’t quite recognize was furiously writing in a notebook, and yet another played music on her jet black iPod. 

He was already in love with every single one of them.

“Hello Torgo,” a woman with bright red hair and a neon green bikini said to him seductively. “I can’t beleaf that I’m on this show with you, but I look forward to planting a kiss on you.” As she leaned closer, her lips mere inches away from Torgo’s, she said, “Honestly, Torgo, I think we’re mint to be.” 

“Torgo, stop!” Princess Peach exclaimed. 

“But...but…” Torgo stammered, wanting nothing more than to taste her rosy red lips.

“She’s poison!” 

“You’re just jealous,” Poison Ivy said to Peach. 

“Actually, maybe I should get to know some of the other women first,” Torgo said as he backed away from Poison Ivy. She looked rather offended, so Torgo said, “Don’t worry. I still love you more than Baby Yoda loves eating frog eggs.”

Torgo turned to the woman who was listening to music, admiring her tiny black miniskirt that said Simple Plan on the butt. “W-what’s your name?” he asked. 

“Fuck off prep,” she said as she held up her middle finger. 

“I just wanted to get to know you…” Torgo said sadly. 

“My name is Enoby Dark’ness Dementia Raven Way,” she said. “I’m not related to Gerard Way, but I wish I was, because he’s a major fucking hottie.” 

“Did someone say Gerard Way?” the woman who was writing said gleefully as she looked up from her notebook. 

“OMG! Gerard is so sexah!” Enoby exclaimed. “Don’t you love his ethnic voice and his piercing blue eyes?” 

“Actually, I think it would be super hot if he were a moth. Or if he impregnated Frank with alien eggs. Or both!” 

Torgo didn’t approve of where this conversation was going, so he ignored the two of them, as beautiful as they were. “Teenagers scare the living shit out of me,” he mumbled as he turned to Bella. 

“Hi Torgo,” she said as set her book down. “I should probably stop reading this - it reminds me too much of my ex…” 

“Your vampire ex?” Torgo said, struggling to remember what Bella had said earlier as he stroked his carefully trimmed beard. He’d been so starstruck when the women had introduced themselves, and to be honest, he still couldn’t quite believe he was here, with more potential wives than he knew what to do with. 

“Yeah,” Bella said. “He left me for Jacob. Something about imprinting.” She sighed and added, “Sometimes, he’d watch me while I slept. It was so romantic.” 

“I could do that for you,” Torgo said. “I can be controlling, possessive, jealous, sparkly, just like your ex.” 

Bella and Torgo engaged in something that can only be described as “eyefucking” before Peach interjected, “Torgo, you don’t want to be like Bella’s ex. Those were some massive red flags she just brought up.” 

“But I want to marry her!” 

Peach’s blue eyes met Torgo’s, and she said, “Don’t rush into anything, Torgo. Take your time, and I think you’ll know which one of us is truly right for you.” 

Torgo smiled, and he gazed into Princess Peach’s eyes, wanting nothing more than to reach out and stroke her long, blonde hair, to hold her soft, delicate hand, to capture her heart at last. He could hardly focus, could hardly breathe when she was around. He felt like he was going to pass out yet again…

“Torgo?” Peach said. “Can you hear me?” 

“Huh?” Torgo said. 

“I asked you if you wanted to go swimming.” 

Torgo nodded vigorously, and Peach immediately ran into the water. Torgo sprinted after her, but even with his gigantic legs, he couldn’t keep up with her. “How are you so fast?” Torgo asked breathlessly. 

“I broke the world record for the 100 meter dash during Mario and Sonic at the Olympic Games,” Peach explained. “I’m also a champion tennis player, golfer, baseball player, fighter, go kart racer…” 

Torgo couldn’t believe his eyes. Not only was Peach a princess, but she was a world-class, multi-sport athlete too. She was out of his league, but that didn’t mean he couldn’t try to impress her. 

“I...uhh...used to take care of the place while the Master was away?” 

Peach looked slightly disappointed, but she didn’t have enough time to say anything before Chris Harrison shouted, “It’s time for the rose ceremony!” 

“Rose ceremony?” Torgo asked as Chris handed him a tray of roses and the women stood in rows in front of him. 

“You give a rose to each woman you want to remain on the show.” 

“Oh, okay,” Torgo said. “Princess Peach?” Peach stepped forward, and Torgo asked, “Will you accept this rose?”

Peach smiled, nodded, and took the rose. Torgo then said, “Bella Swan? Will you accept this rose?” 

He continued on until there was only a single rose left. “Ladies, this is the final rose tonight,” Chris said. He then turned to Torgo and said, “When you’re ready.” 

Torgo paused for a moment, unable to decide which of the women he wanted to give the last rose to. They were all so beautiful. 

All of a sudden, he heard “The Torgo Twitch” by Manos the Band of Fate blaring from inside a house near the beach. He stepped closer and peeked through the window, and inside, there was a gorgeous young woman wearing headphones over her ears. 

When the song finished, she said, “This is Radio Rebel, live from the underground.” 

“Radio Rebel,” Torgo said softly as he cracked the window open and slipped the rose through. “Marry me.”


End file.
